how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
