Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
