an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
