Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
