Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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