Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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