Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
