I think my fart just growled at me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
