When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
