There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
