im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
