My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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