i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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