Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
