is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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