MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
