I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I have tasted many bathrooms
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
