Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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