I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
