well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
