There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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