dude i'm inner monologue high
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
