just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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