All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
