I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
