her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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