He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My ATM looks so different sober.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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