You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
