Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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