the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Drake has all the answers
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
