my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
