I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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