This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
