I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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