Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
