Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
