I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
