It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
