I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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