Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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