My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
