It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
