just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
