Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
