I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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