How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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