1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
