Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
