I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
