i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You ate ashes out of my bong
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
