I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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