so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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