You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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