she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
